I am actually researching devices to aid one in knitting with only one hand. I am considering how much my typing speed may be slowed, should I lose motor function in my right hand and considering how much this might affect my livelihood, and how it would impact meeting a deadline, should I have one. Looks like the cancer is really only going to be controllable if they sacrifice a nerve. Those things that control your muscles, not just let you know when you’ve touched something prickly or hot.
There’s something sort of distant about it. Seems little different than researching some piece of medical-related hardware for work. I have a hard time looking at each device as a one-handed person, still. I look at a clamping device that hooks onto a table and wonder how slow it will be, knitting with one needle clamped still. Of course then I remember that it’d be even slower with only one hand trying to do it all.
My oncologist accuses me of being stoic, as if it’s inherantly a bad thing. I do get emotional, at times, when I don’t have any strength left to hold myself together. It’s not even a conscious thing, really. I’ve always been this way. I think perhaps it stems from a childhood in which neither parent wanted to hear it if you had an emotional issue. Are you bleeding? Are you dying? Is anything broken? No? Then stop crying. It taught me to not cry. It also taught me to be emotionally distant.
At times, it makes me wonder how this stoicism might have an effect on my writing. Writing requires tapping into deep, dark emotions at times. Which is something I tend not to do. I mean, I can be maudlin, but there are plenty of characters who are maudlin. They’re not very interesting. I have scads of characters who are emotionally stunted. This worries me a touch.
I am facing several months of pain and therapy this summer, and I’m worried about whether my characters are flat. But perhaps that’s exactly what I should be doing. There’s little I can do about the upcoming surgery and radiation therapy. There’s not much I can do about the mounting medical debt. But I can take a hard look at my characters and think about what they need to be more lively, jump off the page and become something the reader can and wants to relate to.